lack of understanding

Give Thy servant an understanding heart to judge Thy people and to know good and evil

4.02.2014

Di Batas Segalanya

Bukannya madu dari cinta manis adanya?
Harum wanginya mengundang penghuni surga
Warnanya merah merona, semburat pelangi di atasnya
Cinta katanya..
tanpa ada bercak abu-abu penuh ragu

Di batas segalanya
Siapa hendak mempertanyakan manisnya rasa?
Ketika cinta yang bicara
Sulit menemukan celah keabu-abuan pada yakinnya sebuah keputusan
Di batas segalanya, kita mengamini yang ada.

Apa perlu mengkoreksi sebuah cinta?
Berisi luapan dari rasa yang menggebu
Apa perlu ada batas di batas cinta?
Di batas wajar, norma, dan rasa.
Di mana kita?

Bukankah kita sedang mencecap masa indah?
Kenapa ada yang sedikit nampak salah..

Apa kita lupa membatasi cinta di batas segalanya
Atau segalanya tak dibatasi oleh cinta kita?

Di mana harusnya kita berada?

1.14.2014

我只剩下我自己能依靠

怎麼辦.. 你沒有回答我.

昨天因為睡不著, 哭著很慘, 又是在想他. 跨年兩個禮拜前, 我跟自己承諾說不要跟任何人談他的事. 不管我有多麼想他. 終於我可以成功的把事情關在我心.

為甚麼我這樣承諾呢? 因為, 從他來我的世界到現在, 我相信, 我已經跟全部人講關於他的事. 我的好朋友都已經知道我跟他的故事. 他是第一個男生敢親我, 而且哪是我的初吻.
雖然他那天晚上跟我說, 不需要講出去. 但是以我的個性, 我就跟好朋友說啦. 為甚麼呢?
第一, 我想分享我的感覺.
第二, 我那時候很迷惑. 真得沒辦法想清楚該怎麼辦

那時候, 我真的很亂七八糟. 我真得很生氣. 我對任何人覺得憤怒, 又其實上帝. 懂我故事的人知道了我跟他的關係. 我們認識不到4天, 他突然來我的房間. 坐在我旁邊, 我們就親吻. 那時候我很無辜, 不知道他有女朋友. 而且, 他又沒有跟我說. 第六天, 晚上, 我們慶祝他生日後, 他又再來我的房間, 帶我去他房間. 那時候我很生氣的說, 有女朋幹嘛還親我. ~不知道你們覺得這樣很正常還是怎樣~ 但我真得很生氣, 因為我們在剛認識, 我不了解他, 他也是, 但我們已經親吻. 親吻對女生真得很重要嗎? 若不是, 但我怎麼會很煩惱?

他跟我解釋後, 我們再親吻. 最近我再發現, 可能讓我煩惱的是, 他說的話...
"我有女朋友. 她愛我, 我愛她. 我們不可能. 我們只能當朋友." 我問他, 那時候對我有沒有感覺, 他回答, "沒有.. 我只把你像一個朋友看待.." 又說, "在我旁邊, 我認識的女孩都是很堅韌, 很堅強的." 那時候我哭, 我說我喜歡他. 他說, "幹嘛要哭..不要再哭啦."

那天晚上, 因為我知道他有女朋友, 最後我就說, 以後不要再聯絡吧. 這樣結束. 我的愛情故事 ~不知道你們認為這樣是否算愛情故事~ 在一個禮拜的時間就結束.

我很煩惱, 很迷惑. 不管他警告我不要跟任何人說, 我就需要別人嘛. 但朋友們啊~ 你們都是很貼心, 很在乎我. 我感覺到你們的好意. 但我很堅執說, 沒有人可以幫我.
因為有些人說, "這樣得事情, 又其實在雅加達, 常常發生啦!"
問題是, 為甚麼會發生在我身上呢? it's a bad luck, maybe.

跨年過了, 我慢慢得可以接受真相. 而且不知道因為那時候我要求他, 不要再聯絡, 他真的沒跟我聯絡, 還是他真的不想跟我聯絡. 我們沒聯絡. 他可能忘記了, 或他恨我.
我有想過好幾次, 要跟他說, 我要他, 我想他, 我想跟他見面之類, 但我一直很害怕. 害怕他在跟他女朋友. 害怕他女朋友發現我們兩個得私情 ~這樣算私情嗎?~ 害怕他不回答, 害怕他不在乎.

到了昨天晚上. 朋友分享得心情讓我有點傷心. 我突然很想他, 而且想到我那時候的困難. 我很脆弱.. 不是一直都這樣嗎? 我因為這麼脆弱, 沒有人愛, 沒有人喜歡我. 這樣嗎? 說我懷! 說我很虛弱! 說我胖! 說我醜! 說我自私! 說我不值得! 說我笨! 我懂.
最近不只是感情, 工作上面的事, 也真得讓我煩惱 我正在覺得我不值得, 我沒有甚麼能力能讓别人喜歡我. 我沒什麼能力. 我就是笨嗎!

22歲, 還在煩惱少女的事情, 真的我自己的問題. 我應該對自己有自信吧. 但我已經把事情弄亂. 我沒辦法想清楚. 都毀滅. 更慘的是, 這樣的我, 因為那麼幼稚的想法, 我沒有任何人能依靠. 當我開口講出這樣的想法, 他們的回答一定是... 你想太多.. 那真的幫不了我. 我真的會覺得, 你們不懂我. 沒人懂我.. ~10年還是一樣的問題, 沒有人懂我~

昨天晚上因為太想他, 我寄訊息, 跟他說, 'ㄟ, 我突然想你. 哈哈' 到現在, 他沒有回答.

你們有聽過, 每個人來這個世界上, 一定會有理由. 他們一定會有目的.

我是個例外...

1.13.2014

Suffering- Jess Lee (煎熬) -English translate



李佳薇 


煎熬(Suffering)

作詞:徐世珍/司魚
作曲:饒善強

早知道 你只是飛鳥
擁抱後 手中只剩下 羽毛
當初你又何必浪費
那麼多咖啡和玫瑰 來打擾

If only I knew from earlier that you just like a bird
you flew away after another hug.
Why bother coming to my life,
with cups of coffee and roses

我想要 安靜的思考
天平上 讓愛恨不再 動搖
一想你就平衡不了
我關燈還是關不掉 這風暴

Just give me some time to think
To embrace it and feel calm
But whenever I think about you
I started to feel stressed out and being upset 

心一跳 愛就開始煎熬
每一分 每一秒
火在燒 燒成灰有多好
叫思念 不要吵
我相信我已經快要
快要把你忘掉
跟寂寞  再和好

Within a heartbeat, I'm suffering from this love
Every minute and every second
The fire has burned everything to ashes
Don't let the memories of you come to bother
I believe that I have already
Already forgotten you
Make peace with loneliness

得不到 也不要乞討
怎麼做 不需要別人 轉告
在陷得太深的海底
我也只剩下我自己 能依靠

No need to beg what I couldn't get
Learn how to live alone without someone to talk to
Being trapped alone in this place
I only have my own self to hold on to

心一跳 愛就開始煎熬
每一分 每一秒
火在燒 燒成灰有多好
叫思念 不要吵
我相信我已經快要
快要把你忘掉
跟寂寞 再和好
Within a heartbeat, I'm suffering from this love
Every minute, and every second
The fire has burned everything to ashes
Don't let the memories of you come to bother
I believe that I have already
Already forgotten you
Make peace with loneliness

我相信我已經快要
是真的我快要
快要可以微笑
去面對 下一個 擁抱

I believe, I have already forgotten you
I really have
I have started to get ready
to welcome another you in my life.

11.12.2013

What is with all this prejudice?


Is every women who smoke, drink, and have tattoo bad women?
Is every women spending time smoking, drinking, and love getting tattoo easy?
Is every women who enjoy smoking, drinking, and love their skin getting inked party people?

What if they aren't?

What if you misunderstand someone who smoke, drink, and get their body inked as bad people?
What if you mistreated someone who smoke, drink, and get their body inked with an embarrassingly stupid behavior?

I drink, I smoke, and love tattoos. It doesn't mean anything. It should not mean anything.
The fact that I have more risks to die soon, I can't deny. But it should not get you somewhere to think I am the person I am not.

I do what I want, as long as I don't disturb your privacy, you should not mess up with me.
I didn't say I am a good girl...
But it's stupid to think all women who smoke, drink, and get their body inked aren't good women.

You should not treat somebody they way you thought it is right to treat somebody they way you want. They won't respect you...

Oh God, my first love was sucked, and now my first kiss. Where's the button to move all this shit backward, so that I can choose not to work there, doing that, and meeting you in the end.

Sigh~ I'm afraid I have spent too much time thinking of something not worthy thinking about.

10.16.2013

"謝謝你今天帶我來這邊"



有一天我跟我朋友一起騎腳踏車去旗津. 我們就在海邊停著腳踏車, 等日落.
還記得我在海邊聽到最浪漫的話題. 有一個阿姨帶著相機, 然後跟她老公說

"謝謝你今天帶我來這邊"

他們兩個一值在讚美那麼漂亮的太陽和天空. 雖然那天是下雨, 他們願意被風雨吹, 而不要錯過那麼美得風景.
他們很浪漫得一起看日落在遠遠的地方.

以後, 我也想在沙灘過我最後一秒的生活, 就這樣, 跟我情人一起看日落.

是不是很浪漫啊...

10.11.2013

An Evening Orgasm

This is not an orgasm you felt after having sex, so if you want to find something like that, you may leave :D



Hi, welcome to my little room :D

I get a little bit stressed out from the work. Maybe it's a matter of time until I get used to what I do now. But seriously, working isn't fun for me. From monday to friday, you woke up anxious. You don't know what would happen this day, what's your task, and who will release their anger towards you. All you can do is hoping that you will survive the day.

And today, after going back to my little room I rent in Jakarta Barat, I felt like I need to go outside. I dont know where to go, cos I don't know this place. You can imagine a big city with lot of traffic, vehicles everywhere. For a person like me, you won't like to be here.

Moreover, I was told not to wander far from where I live, due to its dangerous nightlife. So regardless, I still walk to Seven Eleven near RCTI. I put my music on while I walk there. When I finally reached there, I serve me a cup of coffee and a snacks. Then I choose a seat and take my book and start reading.


The Friday evening-lovers

It was really nice to sit there alone and enjoy the book, a book about love is myth or something. Well, not my type of book, but I find it amazing to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee, snacks while reading. Not to forget, I light my cigarettes. It was heaven, coffee and cigarettes might be like a soulmate!

Then, before I'm afraid of going back too late, I finish my coffee, and my cigarettes, and going back home. Haha, I cant help singing along the way.

Funny thing start when I got the idea to go to the hospital near my office. There I found a bookstore that sells english book. I was like really happy to find a bookstore that sells english book. Oh, finally I could find something I used to see when I was studying abroad.

I didn't plan to buy a book, but I ended up purchasing a book I like. This is not a book by Keri Smith. The only reason I want to buy this book is because, I really need to do something different for my life, and this book taught me how to do so.


"this book taught me at the first glance that what I do now is a choice, a commitment, and a moment in time, so I have to cherish it"

Well, after that I smoke another cigarettes then I went back home.


I think it is!

After I arrived, I record my voice singing a chinese song I like, and I play my ukulele!
Well, I feel really happy today, I could tell you that this might be even better than an orgasm after masturbation, :D
Nonetheless I might call it an evening orgasm. It's like I just had a long good sex with the yellow-mellow-evening.


10.07.2013

Where are you now from where your dreams are?

How many of your friends have reached their dreams exactly in the same age as yours?

And where are you now?

Have you counted the days you have been through? Have you looked back to the days before, and asked what you have done, and what you didn't do, and you failed to do?

How many tasks have been left undone? And how many questions in your heart have been left unanswered?

Where are you now from where your dreams are?

Have you been so devastated by your own idealism?

You once believed your own idealism will bring you someday to your dreams. You're too young to understand, that nothing so ideal would bring goodness.

How many days ahead? How many days to pass, until I found the reason to stay... and to stay happy?

10.01.2013

aku rindu cinta

aku rindu berlarian dalam peluh
berkejaran dengan waktu 
hanya untuk tertidur dalam pelukanmu
atau sekedar menciumi aroma tubuhmu

aku rindu malam-malam penuh cerita
tentang cinta kita, atau paling tidak 
tentang senyummu hari ini 
yang memberi arti sebuah sepi

aku rindu degupan jantung yang seirama
saat kita masih bercengkrama
bercerita tentang hari kemarin
serta angkuhnya mimpi-mimpi

kita masih terlalu muda untuk mengerti
bahwa kehidupan pasti berakhir
dan cinta bisa saja mati

karena ketika kita menjadi dewasa
dan cinta hanya menjadi sebuah sejarah
aku tak lagi mau memaknai matahari
dan malah menyesalkan senja yang tak berwarna

apa artinya dewasa untuk menjadi sendiri
bertanggung jawab untuk mereka yang tidak peduli

ke mana cinta ketika jiwa butuh cerita
ke mana dirimu ketika rindu datang beradu

yang tersisa hanya sedikit asa yang makin samar
makin tiada.

9.25.2013

Aku (belum boleh) Mengabdi (di sini)

I tried to hide it, but I failed. You can call me a cry baby, daddy's precious girl, whatever, but if you were in my shoes, nothing could justify her. You can't tell me how I should not being driven by hatred, when hatred and disappointment are the only thing I feel now.

Didn't I tell you, I went back to my school (if you know me, I never moved to any school since I was entering elementary school)? I applied to one and only newspaper for kids in Jakarta (at least). Then this company I enter had a project with the school I used to spend my whole 12 years. Long story short, I went back there to teach the school kids about journalism. Well, to be specific, I taught them some theory about journalism, but most of the time, I assist them in the making of their own school magazine. Which is cool, because the company I worked for, give them chances to be reporter and write in their school newspaper. Well, other than that, once in a month, I also teach that school kids about creative writing, which is also cool, because I am a die-hard fan in creative writing. And I wished to see young writers in my classroom, and share to them my experiences in writing.

But things get worse when suddenly, I was expelled from the project. One day, I was told not to come anymore to that school to teach those kids. The reason is, I am a fresh graduated in German studies, not journalism. So SHE thinks, I'm not capable in assisting those kids writing and creating magazine for their own. SHE wants us to revise the member of the teacher, who will come and teach those kids. To make everything clearer, SHE doesn't want to see me teaching those kids anymore. This is what I got from the boss.

But my friend told me, there might be someone who didn't like me or maybe there's something slightly wrong about my teaching method. They might say, it wasn't proper to let students sleep in their class.

fuck you!

Alright, let me explain this. I get this teaching method when I was in Wenzao. One of my favorite teacher always let us sleep about 15 minutes before class, and music were played during our sleep. Well, some of us didn't really sleep, but we are told not to disturb other, or to talk to each other. In some studies, sleeping is one of our activity that brings great impact to us, human.

So I let my students to sleep during the music played. Well, it's only 3 minutes, because I know how freaking loaded the lessons I should give to them. I played one song, and after that, I want them to wake up, and tell me how they feel. IT IS AS EASY AS THAT!

why you let them sleep?
WHY NOT? people get stress everyday, young and old people. They have to be in a hurry almost every day. Wake up so early just to follow schedules. Letting them sleep is just one way to tell them that we should stop a while, listen to music, and let our body tell us what it feels.
I taught them creative writing. How should I teach them to be creative, if what I want is force them to be one. To be creative, first, you have to know how to be free.
My students loved it, they say, if only they could sleep before class begin it'd be better. I hope so! But I can't blame other teacher, they have their method, I have mine!

After the music, I tell them, that inspiration could come from everything. Listening to music is one of it. I also tell them my experience, that during the music played, I used to write short story (But I don't tell them it was actually my experience).

Next step is, I showed them picture from a video; a boy who was offering coke to a girl. Before I play the video, I want them to tell me whatever they think. I focused on what you could say to the person you like, so on. Typical story for high school students. Then I let them watch the full video. They laugh. And I tell them, this is only one example how creative a person could be.

Basically I tell them how to be CREATIVE first. Then I tell them how to put your creativity in a form of written text.

Talking about I am only fresh-graduated in German, but I have to teach journalism, doesn't make me incapable in assisting them to create magazine. Every single time before I teach, I will make lesson plan, I will make power point, and make sure that I understand the material. I know exactly I am not a journalist, but I understand that I will teach journalism to school kids. That's why I dont want to take my job lightly!! And who the fuck are you to think I'm not capable in doing this?

This particular person is a person we all know, especially people who graduated from that school. A BIG BOSS no one should ever fight against. AN ALWAYS-HAVE-TO-BE-RIGHT BIG BOSS. I didn't say SHE's not smart, SHE's not good. On the opposite, I would not deny, how great SHE is, how smart SHE is. But I can't also deny, that SHE's so ignorance at some level.

Many people love and adore HER. Just imagine, how a little people like me compare to all HER die hard fans. People won't listen to me, people would defend her.

But I told you my perspectives.

Isn't it right, to expelled someone, and tell someone he/she is not capable before letting him/her finish what they want to give to the children? Isn't it right to judge people, to say that fresh graduated is incapable in assisting children? Isn't it right to right away expelled someone before stating the real problem? Isn't it right to hear only from one perspective, and make judgment before everything is clear?

Isn't this person a LEADER? SHE used to teach me leadership, how to be leader. SHE might be my role model. But I know exactly what a leader is, and. Do you think SHE could still be my role model? I won't think that way!

SHE is old, people know exactly how's her personality. I was told not to think too much, let HER be. I know the fact SHE is old, but I can't compromise how her personality affect her leadership! SHE has to know, that sometimes, you should loose everything before you appreciate them.

Serviam. It is the only thing that was planted in my heart. The real meaning is to serve. We are taught to be a leader, we have to serve other. I went back to my school, know these kids. I was so happy assisting them to be leader. I was doing what SERVIAM and SHE told me, which is to serve.
But then the fact, I was told, "You can't serve anyone here!"

If I were to revise my understanding about Serviam. I should know that to serve is to be capable first in HER eyes, to serve is to obey rule and not to be too creative. I was disappointed by how ignorant a person, who most people adore.

When I was still in that school, before I went to Taiwan, no one really care about me. Most teachers only care about students who are smart, or those who are too naughty. A silenced and introverted like me, is the last people they will care about. If education is rights for all people, why this could happen?

Why teachers failed to see how capable their students are despite everything? Why teachers forget that education should be equal? How is this neglected, and instead of this, you expelled one innocent person who wish to be a teacher?

fuck you.. just fuck you!

9.19.2013

Tentang Menjadi Pemimpin

Kami menyebutnya si koleris, mungkin karena sifat, mungkin karena gaya bicara, atau mungkin karena gaya kepemimpinannya. Yang saya tahu, ia adalah anak yang mempunyai keinginan kuat untuk memimpin, atau mungkin menguasai.

Saya belajar dari anak kecil yang baru berumur 12 tahun, mungkin. Keinginannya yang begitu kuat untuk memimpin mengingatkan saya pada pelatihan kepemimpinan yang saya ikuti, entah karena kemampuan atau keberuntungan. Sedikit banyak, saya belajar tentang menjadi peka terhadap lingkungan sekitar, kemampuan membaca situasi, dan menentukan sikap.

Meski mungkin karena kemampuan, saya tetap merasa beruntung karena mendapat kesempatan belajar dari pemimpin yang diagungkan banyak orang. Pemimpin itu harus tegas, karena itu yang ditunjukan beliau. Kalau kita hanya menilai kesuksesan dari hasil, beliau jagonya. Tapi tidak sampai situ, karena pada akhirnya saya adalah salah satu yang kebagian sial harus menyaksikan sendiri coreng moreng dari kepemimpinan yang beliau miliki. Saya juga yang kebagian sial menelan lontaran ketidakadilan yang beliau tunjukan.

Sebenarnya apa itu pemimpin, sampai seorang anak umur 12 tahun ini begitu menggebu-gebu menetapkan sikap, 'biar saya yang handle semuanya!'?

Kami mengenalnya sebagai si koleris yang suka diberi tanggung jawab mengatur, tapi dengan kekerasan, dengan hukuman, dengan sikap tidak mau tahu, dan sikap 'yang penting kerjaan gua udah beres' Kami juga menyebutnya sebagai si pandai yang punya jiwa kepemimpinan tapi belum tahu cara menggunakannya. Mau tahu saya menyebutnya sebagai apa? Si sok tahu, si sok pandai, dan si maunya sendiri.

Anak ini berumur 12 tahun, mungkin belum mengenal dunia yang sesungguhnya, di mana kita harus menghadapi ribuan jenis orang, dari yang bisa diajak kerja sama sampai yang tidak mau tahu-yang penting beres. Ia hanya melihat sesuatu hal harus ada di bawah kontrol dia, dan dia tidak bisa terima tugas-tugas kecil yang sepertinya meremehkan kemampuan dia. Tapi saya sayang sama dia, saya maklum karena anak kecil pun punya sifat yang bermacam-macam. Saya hanya ingin memberikan dia kesempatan untuk berpikir bahwa jalan pikiran dia yang semacam itu dapat menghancurkan sistem kerja teman-temannya. Kemampuan mengatur bukan satu-satunya yang dibutuhkan untuk menjadi pemimpin.

Pemimpin adalah mereka yang mampu dan mau mengerti keadaan sekitar, keadaan anak buahnya, dan harapan yang bukan cuma miliknya sendiri tapi aspirasi anak buahnya juga. Katakanlah ada mereka yang tahu banyak, punya ribuan pengalaman dalam berbagai hal, tapi tidak mau menerima aspirasi orang lain. Itu adalah pemimpin tuli. Cabut saja telinganya!

Pemimpin macam ini, hanya mau dituruti keinginannya. Hanya mau mendengarkan sepihak, atau malah mendengarkan isi hatinya sendiri. Ia hanya peduli pada kepentingan kelompoknya tanpa memperhatikan perasaan dan kebutuhan individu dalam kelompoknya. Saya jelas bukan orang yang tahan dengan kepemimpinan otoriter seperti ini. Kalau memang ia sudah diberi panca indera untuk merasa, dan dia tidak menggunakannya, cabut saja semuanya.

Dalam memimpin, kemampuan mengatur bukanlah segalanya. Mengatur adalah hal yang paling utama yang harus dilakukan, maka dengan sendirinya, seorang pemimpin akan belajar untuk menyesuaikan tempatnya. Tapi kalau seorang pemimpin tahu keahliannya dalam mengatur dan berlogika sudah baik, hanya saja, sifat dan perilakunya tidak menjadi sorotan utamanya, maka harus disudahilah masa kepemimpinannya.

Orang-orang yang pandai mengatur, tapi bertingkah seenaknya sendiri, harus sekali-kali diletakkan di tempat di mana ia tidak punya kekuasaan sedikitpun. Ia akan belajar untuk meghargai dan bekerja sama dengan orang lain, itupun kalau dia mau berbesar hati mengakui kelemahannya.

Kembali lagi ke pelatihan kepemimpinan yang saya dapatkan. Saya bersyukur sekali lagi, tapi saya berhenti belajar dari beliau, karena coreng morengnya lebih nyata terlihat sekarang. Hal terakhir yang saya pelajari dari beliau mungkin, kepemimpinan tidak boleh absolut dan selamanya, karena pada saat itulah seorang pemimpin akan lupa tanggung jawabnya, dan malah fokus terhadap jabatannya sendiri dan kepentingannya sendiri.

Beliau dulu adalah pemimpin hebat. Seorang pemimpin yang hebat harusnya tahu kekurangannya dan tidak perlu menutupinya, tapi malah mengakui dan memperbaikinya. Makanya saya bilang beliau dulu adalah pemimpin yang hebat.

Saya doakan agar Tuhan yang beliau percaya tidak segera memberedel panca indranya, itu saja.