'You Can Go!'

As I was in high school, I overheard this phrase over and over again. That one time, when we were seated down to evaluate our school's rules and regulations together, my friends and I were eager to say something.

My friend was already prepared to say what's in her mind, she was standing bravely as her words came out slowly. She was there to evaluate one of our school's regulations.

Funny thing, before any teacher or our student's leader had the words to say, this brave guy stand up and said, 'It was stated clearly in our school that it is almost impossible to change our school uniform like you said. If you don't agree with it, You Can Go!'

I was in shocked. We were in shocked. At that time, he was my senior and we were only some juniors who tried to speak our mind that probably we could somehow make some change. But we were too young and too stupid to understand our school regulation that they try to evaluate. And what's the point of evaluating that day, I don't have any idea.

I thought the phrase 'You Can Go.' is somehow too harsh to say. It leaves no space for evaluation or new thinking, or changing whatever. And I didn't say this only to throw hatred to my school that everybody was so proud about. I love my school, there was the place when I spend most of my childhood and teenage-hood, like it or not, it has already shaped me to somebody I become today.

But still I was thinking that the phrase was too harsh. It may apply to any kind of places where regulations was put. Any kind of regulations that is either written down or stated from mouth to mouth.

Give yourself a space for evaluation, don't think that you can win any kind of argument because you have the regulations or you are with the majority. Majority is bullshit. It makes you blind, it leaves no space for heartwarming changing, or people who treated unfairly.  


I want to feel less lonely

credit: hillerlaw.com

'I want you to make me feel less lonely. that's all..' she said.

'Loneliness is a state of mind. You could be alone, but not lonely.' he replied.

'But then explain me! How could two people claim that they're in relationship when one of them constantly feeling lonely?' she asked again.

'You tell me!' he replied without looking at her.

'Your presence when you aren't here. I can't feel it anymore.' she looked away.
'I feel like you only here for a while then you go.' she continued, talking to herself.

they looked away from each other, thinking of which words might be true.

'I don't know what happened to me, or you?' she asked.

After a long pause without them talking.
'Or maybe what happened to us?' she looked at him right in the eye.

Her eyes wet, but on his eyes, she knows exactly that she sees love.
She feels better.



credit; flickr.com

Di Jakarta sudah dua tahun.
dua tahun lalu masih lugu
masih tidak tahu di mana Kebon Jeruk
di mana Pasar Baru.

Dari dulu masih sama
kota yang lengang ketika malam
berkeringat, basah dan menggairahkan
terburu-buru dikejar waktu keesokannya

Berdesak-desakan mengantri di kereta Tanah Abang
dengan bau rokok dan keringat abang di bus Kopaja


Kenapa tidak sejenak berhenti berdetak
mengasihani si buyung yang mengamen
mengantongi recehan uang gopek

Atau sejenak merenung
pada mayat yang mengapung
di tepi sungai dan danau yang keruh


Mari duduk dan minum kopi
menghambat datangnya hari senin
karena para pemabuk belum sadar kembali
dan para pelacur, kemaluannya masih nyeri

Mari begadang dan bicara sampai pagi
tanpa perlu terburu-buru dikejar deadline
atau datangnya kabar berita pagi hari
tentang si anu yang terlibat perkara
atau si itu yang pamer dada

Mari menutup mata dan melihat dunia
terlelap dalam mimpi yang luar biasa
sehingga terbangun esok dengan bahagia
keluar dari rutinitas yang menyesakkan


Some thoughts lately

We never grow older without learning something, therefore I believe that our years are built by moments, in which things that happened are meant to be learned.

And that's how I see these 4 weeks more when I started to learn something about what I do. Something that I have in mind for a long time, but only now I could really understand that. Two years ago before started working, I have this saying in mind, 'do what you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life." I keep promises to myself that I will only do things I love.

But entering the 'real' world after you graduate, especially when you have to work for someone, your idealism and passion might fade into grey, or fade into nothing. And that is probably the problem we all have when we're leaving college life.

Most of us, hardly find a job, in which we could create and do things we want. We are paid to  do and create things according to those who paid us. Our idealism are basically crashed and burns into one big idealism where we work. And that requires big heart to see how we leave our idealism behind to pay our debts, to be a slave for money we earn. And repeat.

But we have the right to choose. Either we choose to be brave enough, build up some business on our own where we can build our idealism and let anyone else who work for us, follow our idealism, or we can choose a workplace which idealism is closer to ours.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I do, and how things seems not right here and there, like when I stuck in a discussion where all my office mate are debating. One time, our conversation has got me thinking about bullying we fight against all this time.

When we are kids, we are told to fight bullies, that we all help our kids and teenager that have been bullied in school or college. Bad words and cursing words are bad and not to be said to insult someone. And yes, we only help our kids and teenagers in school, and forget what we saw in the 'real' world, when bosses could possibly do anything they can because they pay you. And I don't know how we imply that bosses have the right to do so. That makes me think of how people with money could literally rule the world. And screw poor and jobless people.

Back when I give some advice to my friends when they apply for the job, I said, 'don't be a fool. the applicants and the employer should be at the same level. They offer you a job, and you offer them things you have. You are at the same level, that the employer should give you respect like you do to them.' But then I learn, don't be too picky when choosing job. Well, I might be wrong.

That is just not right into my mind. And how I'm tired of seeing things like this happen everywhere.
And I would criticize things that aren't right no matter who these people are.


In Between Dreams and Visions


When I was in high school, I overheard my classmates’ conversation about what will we become in next 6 years, or after we leave college. That boy in my class told his friends that one day we will all work as ordinary employees behind the desk. Day by day passed just like that and that might be what we all together would be.

I giggled a little and promised to myself that I refuse to be somewhat ordinary and working behind the desk, day by day passed by just like that. I want to be someone I’d like to be, I want to be somebody beyond what people could imagine.

Talking about dreams, I have a lot of dreams when I was a kid. My family is an average family; we weren’t poor or very rich. But having so many books to read, I have dreamed to be anything I have read in the book.

I wanted to be an astronaut just because the outer space enchanted me more than anything. Then, I wanted to be an architect, a doctor, a psychologist, and in high school, I wanted to be a famous writer, writing a best-seller book just because I want to live forever in a book eventhough I have died.

So I’ve grown affection towards some fantasy books like C.S Lewis’ books, Tolkien’s books, and many more. I learned philosophy just to learn many things so that I can have things to write.

But I never have a dream studying abroad someday. Until in February, my teacher called me and offered me an application to fill for college scholarship to Taiwan. I know Taiwan, but I never have any imagination of going there. After having to wait about 5 months, I finally got the admission letter from the college I apply. And within 2 months, I started my new life in Taiwan.

To some people who don’t really know me, maybe I’m too exaggerating when I said how much Taiwan has meant to me. And it has nothing to do with my love life there, which was so desperate to tell because I didn’t have a single boyfriend and I didn’t have any single relationship there. I love Taiwan because from there, my life has changed.

Taiwan is like dreams come true. I have lived in a small village in southern Jakarta forever, and I was such a crybaby, I never want to be 5 miles away from home or from my parents. But then voila, I lived alone separated from my family for 4 years.

Taiwan changed me. I have grown from a quiet girl to a bigger girl ready to face wilder life outside. Living alone outside your country surely makes you learn a lot of things. I learn how to communicate not only in my own language but also in 3 different languages with people.

I have learned that I have to struggle so hard in order to survive. And that struggling I have been through is the story of how I reach my dreams.

And no dreams, no single dream is impossible.

Even dreams when I wished so hard to meet my high school idols. Haha!

There are reasons why after I leave college, I still kinda miss it all the time. Sometimes I look back seeing how different my life was when I was in college. The people are different, the atmospheres are different, the customs are different.

Anyway, my intention today is not to make any comparison between my hometown Indonesia and my second home, Taiwan.  I just wonder why dreams are easy to get when I was in Taiwan?
But dreams are dreams.

No matter how poor and in what condition are you today, You got to have visions and dreams about what you want in maybe next 3 years, or next 30 years. Because that what moves you in the end. Eventhough in next 20 years, I may not become an astronaut, architect, teacher, doctor, psychologist, or even a writer,

at least I want to live when I have big dreams to follow.
And no one can tell me not to.

I am 24 years old this year, working as an ordinary employee, day by day just passed by. But inside, I’m still a 5 years old girl who dreams big, and reality won’t bring me down! And I know someday, I will reach my dreams, I will live a life I wanted to be.

And I promised to take you with me, darling if you’re brave enough to stay with me.

p.s note to my boyfriend. I love you


Sex Poem

The lights off, we hide the excitement behind our eyes.
Staring at each other half-naked.
You smoke your last cigarette before sex
And I tease you with smile and revealing parts.

The lights off, you put down your cigarette
Lying on a bed, half-naked
Revealing excitement, join me in a bed
You close your eyes, as I nibble your ears
I close my eyes while biting my lips

The beating of our hearts,
like the sound of the distance drum
Our sweat pours as our skin pressed against each other
Your lips against mine
As you gently touch my bare back

Is this heaven or is this paradise
For in a dark lies our deepest passion and lust
We move together as we dance
To the melody of the most sacred and ancient song
About human shares secret, of love and of sex

I hear your breath as you take my breath away
When you dance above me, pressing your body against mine
You kiss me on the cheek, as I hug your bare back

This is our heaven, this is our paradise
As I hear you moaning, following mine
We lie in a dark, full of sweat, out of breath
You kiss me on my neck and hug me from behind.


The Reflective World

Today, along with my family, we watched the last sequel of The Hobbit, titled 'The Battle of Five Armies'.
I feel today as the answer of my own question 3 years ago when the first sequel of The Hobbit come on screen. 'What would be the end of The Hobbit?'

When LOTR came in movie, I wasnt a big fan, instead I'm not a fan at all for I didnt watch the movie and question my own self what the hell did I do that I wasnt a part in that LOTR euphoria that time. I discovered the beauty of middle earth when I watch Narnia.

Little did I know that the author of Narnia was a bestfriend of Tolkien. Enchanted by how these two people could make such a great and complete fantasy novel, I begin to wonder more about Narnia and of course middle earth.

I remembered watching Narnia, The Lion, The Witch and The  Wardrobe. I feel like CS Lewis has stolen my idea when I was a kid. Why should he uses Wardrobe as the enter door to Narnia. That was exactly what I did when I was about 5-6 years old. I pretend to be a princess whose kingdom was beyond the wardrobe. I begin to fall in love with Narnia and all the history of it.

But then I discovered LOTR, which stories remind me of the word 'perfection' It was so beautiful and perfect to me, that I believe that not only Middle Earth is exist but also all the creatures introduced here. Elves to be exact.

I get my bachelor by writing my final project, a simple thesis about Elves in European Mythology. I was so convinced that Elves are exist, but it was such a pity I never been to Europe to prove whether Elves are were exist.

I think, the world of fantasy is my passion.

Well about the last sequel of the Hobbit I watched earlier.

I have heard two types of comments about this movie, one mentioned about how bad the pictures and probably the storyline, friend of mine said that when he saw the film, he feels like watching the Indonesian' sinetron. And one my friends tell me straight away that the movie is great.

I came in conclusion that the movie is good in its own way. The cinematography, of course, is not mine to explain. But I focus on the storyline. And although I shouldn't compare it with LOTR movies, but it in inseparable since we got the same director here. Peter Jackson.

LOTR separated in 3 movies just like the book because the story will take too long and it's not just fit in one movie. Just like the book when it first come out, Tolkien meant to put all stories in one book. But thanks he divided the story into 3 sequels. So we can see almost every detail in the story.

Hobbit, on the other hand, was put in one book. And it wasn't Harry Potter kind of book that comes in great thickness. But it's just an ordinary book.

I'm not a Tolkien nerd, nor I know much about his work. But I know that Hobbit was a children book. It was written for children. So the details were made to make children excited, the moral of the book is easily explained for kids to understand. Unlike LOTR that has so many details about war, sacrifice, love, passion, and many more.

So put The Hobbit into three films will require more creativity and stories from other Tolkien's work. I didnt say Peter Jackson didnt make it, he made it. The Hobbit still has that moral part that was meant for children, but he also puts some of the elements there.

Unfortunately, I saw the same elements from LOTR in The Hobbit movie, and I feel like Peter Jackson just make it so to meet the demand of the audience. I mean, the audience surely hope that The Hobbit will come out just as great as LOTR. Little did they know, two of the story has different things, though they were written by the same author.

Second things I failed to be happy is there are some hyperbolic scene in this movie, like it was just made to prolong the movie. And how The Great Smaug who has been depicted as great and only villain in the first movie, has to died so helplessly even before the title come out. Mommy, I want my Smaug!

But it doesnt matter really. Because the last sequel of the Hobbit still leave me breathless in some of the scene. I love the Battle of the Five Armies for how epic the war is. I'm pleased to see how everyone's included in the war, Orcs, Troll, Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Eagles. And how Legolas become the hero in this movie, and I found that he's pretty much the rider of the beast. He could ride Elephants, Bats, Trolls. Fine boy!

But for some reason, I'm waiting something to wow me more than what I just saw. 

The last sequel also gave us some explanation to what we have already seen in LOTR, about how Legolas plan to find The Strider-Aragorn, or how Saruman made allies with Sauron. So it bold the Hobbit as an introduction from LOTR.

 And what makes me happier that it brings me so much to think and reminisce about Middle Earth.

Seing every leader of the armies have the same ambition to reclaim the treasure made me think about how bad a govenment would be when they got limitless power. And how gold has succeded to drive someone crazy. The moral of the story is really well explained.

To me Middle Earth is real.And though it wasnt real to some people, we could always make this fantasy world as our reflection of life. We could actually learn from it

I think that's why I love fantasy.


Tentang Agama, Tuhan, dan Manusia

pic from google

Pernah dengar istilah 'agnostik'? Istilah agnostik dipakai untuk orang-orang yang percaya (atau tidak percaya) akan adanya suatu kekuatan besar tapi berkeyakinan bahwa hal tersebut tidak dapat dibuktikan oleh pikiran manusia. Bisa dibilang sih, agnostik bukan aliran kepercayaan tertentu. Tapi sebuah keyakinan bahwa kemampuan manusia terbatas untuk membuktikan adanya (atau tidak adanya) kekuatan besar atau Tuhan.

Lima atau empat tahun lalu, saya punya kesempatan menjelajah negara orang dan melihat dunia dari cara pandang yang berbeda. Di sana, saya mengenal beberapa orang yang sejak lahir mempunyai keyakinan berbeda atau bahkan tidak mengenal agama sekalipun. Hal itu membuat saya sadar bahwa orang-orang Indonesia lahir dan dibesarkan di lingkungan yang sarat agama. Maka tidak heran jika saat ini detik ini, mereka menganggap agama luar biasa pentingnya bagi hidup mereka.

Saya sendiripun, tidak bisa menyalahkan atau bergargumen tentang penting tidaknya agama bagi hidup manusia. Mungkin penting, mungkin tidak. Yang pasti di luar sana banyak orang yang hidup dengan berbagai pandangan. Sayangnya beberapa orang, baik agamis atau atheis yang mempunyai dua pandangan yang berlawanan begitu keras kepala dan teguh pendirian, bahkan 'memaksa' orang untuk ikut dengan apa yang dipercayai sambil menyampaikan ribuan alasan yang hanya mereka yakini.

Dulu saya pernah kecewa. Jantung yang berdetak-detak kencang di kala saya memperhatikan, membaca, atau menonton berita tentang sesama manusia yang membunuh dengan nama Tuhannya. Seakan mereka percaya akan Tuhan yang membunuh.

Lalu saya ingin menjadi atheis. Saya menolak untuk ikut dengan kepercayaan apapun yang agama berikan. Agama apapun itu. Karena saya kecewa dengan perilaku orang-orang yang mengaku beragama. Karena mereka membunuh, menyakiti, dan paling penting Sok Tahu.

Lama berselang, jiwa muda saya yang masih dapat terombang-ambing, melihat adanya salah persepsi dalam diri saya. (Bukan berarti saya bilang atheis itu salah) Nampaknya, hati kecil saya masih ingin mempercayai sesuatu kekuatan yang pernah saya kenal. Lalu saya mulai mencari keberadaan Tuhan yang mungkin ada. Pencarian beberapa lama itu, saya akhiri dengan tanda tanya yang tidak perlu dijawab. Biarlah ia mengambang seiring waktu. Biarlah ia menegaskan dirinya sendiri ketika saatnya.

Sayapun mengamini keyakinan dari hati kecil saya bahwa Tuhan bisa jadi ada atau mungkin tidak ada, dan manusia terlalu kecil untuk  dapat membuktikan atau menunjukannya kepada orang lain. Tuhan hanyalah pengalaman religius masing-masing orang yang tidak bisa begitu saja dibagi (karena setiap orang berbeda). Kepercayaan tidak bisa begitu saja diobral dan dibagi-bagi. Tapi perbuatan baik selalu bisa, dan tidak akan pernah habis.

Perdebatan tentang agama dan kepercayaan, sebenarnya tidak bisa dipisahkan dari perdebatan tentang perbedaan. Dan manusia masih terlalu muda untuk bisa menghargai perbedaan. Terlalu sombong untuk berpikir terbuka, dan terlalu memuliakan otaknya yang dipenuhi keyakinan. Sehingga terdorong untuk menghabisi yang berbeda dari dirinya.

Berbeda tidak pernah salah. Jiwa yang tidak menghargai perbedaan yang kerdillah yang perlu diajari. 

Kemarin, ketika sedang 'asyik' facebook-an, sebuah video muncul di beranda facebook saya. Video tentang 'Kristenisasi terselubung di Car Free Day'.

Saya cuma ketawa kecil melihat teman saya yang meyakinkan kalau misionaris kristen tidak pernah diajari melakukan hal seperti itu. 'Memaksa' orang untuk masuk kristen. Dan saya lebih ketawa miris lagi melihat komentar penuh kebencian di setiap video itu disebar.

Terlepas dari benar tidaknya video itu, saya menarik kesimpulan, orang-orang masih terlalu sensitif dan mudah sakit hati dengan permasalahan agama, sehingga sulit mencari kepala yang dingin untuk menelaah atau berpikir lebih dalam dari sebuah kejadian ini. Kepercayaan yang dipegang begitu kuat, ketika tersenggol, manusia langsung mengeluarkan pedang kemarahan dan mengatasnamakan Tuhan. Ah.. selalu begitu!

Kepercayaan akan suatu yang transenden sudah ada sejak dulu. Terlepas dari teori evolusi atau mungkin hanya manusia yang selalu beradaptasi di lingkungannya, manusia masih sama. Keterbatasan manusia yang hanya memiliki 6 panca indera dan adanya rasa ingin tahu yang begitu besar akan sesuatu yang lebih dari dirinya, membuat manusia menyadari kemungkinan adanya kekuatan besar yang mengatur semua ini.

Semua kemungkinan itu lalu diyakini dengan adanya berbagai bukti pelengkap.

Dari sebelum adanya agama, manusia sudah percaya akan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari mereka. Meski namanya berbeda, agama dan kepercayaan mempunyai satu arti.

Lalu muncullah sifat manusia yang keras kepala. Berbagi dengan cara memaksa.

Kembali ke video tadi. Bukan tidak mungkin kristenisasi itu terjadi. Sebagai seorang penggemar mitologi, saya sempat menilik ke sejarah mitologi yang menjadi buruk namanya ketika adanya kristenisasi di Eropa. Kepercayaan pagan itu baik, kepercayaan kristen itu baik. Lalu muncul kebencian dan keburukan ketika adanya pemaksaan kepercayaan.

(Itulah makanya saya dulu menolak agama.. Orang-orangnya itu lho, terlalu fanatik, terlalu sok tahu, tidak bisa berpikir terbuka. Kepercayaan sendiri ko jadi harga mati buat orang lain. Saya sih ga suka, kepercayaan saya jadi harga mati buat orang lain.)

Semua pemaksaan kepercayaan baik kristenisasi atau islamisasi atau apapun lah, terjadi di mana saja dan kapan saja. Video yang beredar tersebut mungkin juga satu bentuk kristenisasi, (tulisan saya tidak dalam ranah pembuktian yang pasti). Tapi hal itu sama salahnya dengan segala bentuk pemaksaan kepercayaan dan agama. Agama apapun.

Yang bikin saya miris dengan hati tersayat-sayat adalah, munculnya kebencian yang salah tempat.

Yang satu bilang hati-hati kristen begini begitu. Yang satu bilang kristen tidak begini begitu.

Tidak ada yang salah dari mengenal suatu kepercayaan. Mengenal suatu kepercayaan bukan berarti menjadi percaya dengan apa yang kita pelajari. Selama ini kita mempelajari dunia binatang, kita tidak pernah menjadi binatang. Mungkin hanya orang-orang yang berpikiran sempit dan berhati kecil yang bisa merasa begitu takut.

Manusia terlalu bodoh untuk berpikiran terbuka, apalagi kalau kepercayaan dan agama sudah jadi harga mati buat dirinya dan orang lain.
(Itulah makanya saya dulu menolak agama.. Orang-orangnya itu lho, terlalu fanatik, terlalu sok tahu, tidak bisa berpikir terbuka. Kepercayaan sendiri ko jadi harga mati buat orang lain. Saya sih ga suka, kepercayaan saya jadi harga mati buat orang lain.)

Folks. Kepercayaan itu pengalaman religius yang pribadi. Tidak dapat dibagi dan dipaksakan. Hanya kebaikan yang dapat dibagi dan tidak pernah habis. Dan kebencian, yang juga bisa dibagi, tapi sifatnya menghabisi manusia.


Our Society

Ferris Wheel- Alun-alun di Malang

We live in the world where society keeps reminding us the system, the norms, what's proper and what's improper. And they leave no space for compromises and they give no mercy for those who walk beyond their system, or against their norms.

And again we are somehow dictated by tradition, cultures, and our religion. Well I think those things I said earlier are essential for our life, and what's essential should not be made to make things harder for us to live.


I live in a place where victim blaming is what everyone agree. The victim of one rape case for example often being seen as the one who was guilty for being too seductive. Girls in my country are told not to wear sexy clothes, but what the hell is the definition of sexy anyway? We cant show our cleveage, we cant wear shorts, we cant wear skirt in a public places. And tell me what is the reason. Girls you better put some clothes or else they'll rape you, and you fuckin deserve it.

Who deserves getting raped? Wearing clothes that is comfortable is not a sin.

While it seems that I made excuses for me wearing short pants or skirt, well it is not. I have no problem wearing trousers or more casual and not too revealing my parts of body kind of clothes. But the reason should not be 'put on some clothes or else you get raped'

Because rapist rape anyone that moves. Children, teenage, adults, old people, boys, girls, all has the same chance to get raped. Why? Because rape is what a rapist do. Even people someday consider to stop producing 'improper clothes' rape case will still exist. Trust me
Things that we should do is to educate more people not to rape. Educate our children to behave well, by well means to respect other people and not to hurt them.

So please stop victim blaming. Even a whores don't deserve getting raped!


I am an night owl. I love staying up all night alone or with somebody to talk to. My boyfriend and I love to talk. We bought one or two cups of coffee, and that last for a night. We just talk, nothing else. But then, I have to come late to the room I rent, where I live.
Sadly, these people around my neighborhood loves to justified what is wrong and what is right. They love bad mouthing people like me. 'That girl who comes late with her boyfriend. This girl is probably not a good girl'

I 'love' the idea that good girl only exist when the daylight, and bad girls are exist when the night come. You know what, I really wished to open that tiny brain these people have and shove it some more logical perspective so they could see that all this time, their life is so undesirable.
Since I was a kid, Night Owl has been labeled so wrong that no one could ever make the right out of it.

Plus, bad people who make use of a less light from the sun to do evil things is just as bad as these people who love bad mouthing.
Oh god, why people could be so evil?


We have come to the very taboo topic going on these days. Especially in Asia, where virginity is the only sign of good girls (or boys). Especially girls.
I've made some research sometime before about why virginity had some special definition and is so important.

When we talk about virginity for girls, we like to talk about hymen. What is hymen? Hymen is that soft membranes that covers girl's vagina. The damage of hymen that in some cases causes vaginal bleeding is believed to be the sign when a girl losing her virginity.

Girls are told that virginity is important that those bleeding vagina because of the damaged hymen happened after penetration (with penis) should happened only when they're married.

Society believes good girls should not have sex before marriage. They should not lose virginity.
Why hymen? Traced back to a greek mythology that timezone. There was once a god named Hymen. This God should be present in every marriage. It is a sign that his presence brings good thing to that marriage.
When we translate it to modern world, we will notice that 'hymen that should be present' means girls should not break their hymen before marriage.

This ancient belief is now mistranslated.
To me virginity is a losing of innocence. Which is very common and will happen to every human being in this
world. After we were born, day by day we will know more things and will lose our innocence.

Having sex before marriage is nothing wrong to me. Because marriage nowadays is different as love. You may love someone but it doesnt mean you can marry him or her. But those who get married doesnt always mean they love each other.

But you should have sex with your loved ones. The most important is not when you will lose your virginity. But whether you are ready or not to have sex. You have to know about it before you have sex. You have to do it safely and nicely and with one you loved.

Why? Because sex is not a celebration or marriage but a celebration of love.
I have also do some research about the differences between making love and have sex. While both have things in common, but the difference is one you do with lust(no love) and one with love.

Well we all have lust.

But in some websites stated that when you make love with one you love, your body produce some chemical stuff that are healthy and important to you. While have sex (with only one person is in consent) mighy be hurt to the other person.

Well, what I'm saying is, making love is more fun healthier and happier with one you love. Because deep inside people are feel lonely, and love is one of the essentials things people need. Without being so idealist. I think each of us deserve some loves.

We are so concern about tradition, cultures, and religion, about proper and improper things, about norms, that we forgot how to treat other people and not being rude.

We are all just human, giving up ourselves to the system without evaluating it is not what a human do.
We made mistake of course. But we are also a human that should make compromises and leave some space to other people.

We share the some world, what makes someone have the right to rule over other people's life?


pic from google 

Why things that hurt so bad could be unforgettable?And why should anyone get through traumatic experience at least once in their life?

Two days ago, someone broke into my room and they, though I'm not really sure how many are them who involved in this crime, stole my stuff. I usually went back to my room with my friend who live in the same building with me, or with my boyfriend to put things down or get something then go out for dinner. But that time, I went back alone. My friends have come back home earlier than me, and one of my friend didn't go to work that day. And my boyfriend had something to do. 

I stay at the work office until 8 p.m., then I bought me some food and stuff from the store. I walked slowly to my room and try to unlock the door, when I noticed something wrong must have happened. I opened the door and find out that my wardrobe was left opened. Until now, this image I have seen printed in my mind. Just like a camera, my mind could really captured the image of how I noticed that someone has come to this room without permission. Someone has broke into my room and making a fucking mess.

I feel devastated and depressed and then rushed to my friend's room, knocking. In a terrible voice within terrible breath, I spoke out my word, 'somebody has stolen my laptop'

My friend and I rushed to my room to find the exact image I have seen before. My wardrobe was opened, my laptop was gone, and everything was in a mess. I suddenly can't breath and sat down crying. That was the loudest cry I ever made. I was terrified knowing how someone has earlier some people were in this room checking on my stuff and take it all.

Up until now, these image and thought has never leave me alone. Why would things that hurt so bad can't be forgotten? And why would we born, grew, and raised to be hurt by several traumatic events? Why should we live in fears?

I imagined that people in this world has never once live in peace. They went to a store bringing money, they're in fear meeting stranger who probably will steal their money. They watch TV at dawn, going to sleep at night, they're afraid people will come and murder them in the dark. Girls are afraid to walk alone at night, despite the clothes they wear, they will get raped anyway. 

Sadly, there always be bad people who will fuck with all of us. Sadly, there are people who aren't afraid of doing bad things. They're not afraid of breaking people's heart. They will steal, rape, murder, hurt other people, and they don't care.

I was somehow surprised by my own thought that soon we were born, we will live in fear.. Fear of getting hurt, fear of dying. And there would be people who will do anything to hurt us, just because the want to. And that's life.

Now sit down and remember how many times in your life you have gone through traumatic events that even you know, you have lived well until today, that image that brings pain to your heart will be there. 

Two days have passed. My mind is still in hurricane of many negative thought. I still live in fear. My only prayer to God is I wish I could find some peace today.