In Between Dreams and Visions


When I was in high school, I overheard my classmates’ conversation about what will we become in next 6 years, or after we leave college. That boy in my class told his friends that one day we will all work as ordinary employees behind the desk. Day by day passed just like that and that might be what we all together would be.

I giggled a little and promised to myself that I refuse to be somewhat ordinary and working behind the desk, day by day passed by just like that. I want to be someone I’d like to be, I want to be somebody beyond what people could imagine.

Talking about dreams, I have a lot of dreams when I was a kid. My family is an average family; we weren’t poor or very rich. But having so many books to read, I have dreamed to be anything I have read in the book.

I wanted to be an astronaut just because the outer space enchanted me more than anything. Then, I wanted to be an architect, a doctor, a psychologist, and in high school, I wanted to be a famous writer, writing a best-seller book just because I want to live forever in a book eventhough I have died.

So I’ve grown affection towards some fantasy books like C.S Lewis’ books, Tolkien’s books, and many more. I learned philosophy just to learn many things so that I can have things to write.

But I never have a dream studying abroad someday. Until in February, my teacher called me and offered me an application to fill for college scholarship to Taiwan. I know Taiwan, but I never have any imagination of going there. After having to wait about 5 months, I finally got the admission letter from the college I apply. And within 2 months, I started my new life in Taiwan.

To some people who don’t really know me, maybe I’m too exaggerating when I said how much Taiwan has meant to me. And it has nothing to do with my love life there, which was so desperate to tell because I didn’t have a single boyfriend and I didn’t have any single relationship there. I love Taiwan because from there, my life has changed.

Taiwan is like dreams come true. I have lived in a small village in southern Jakarta forever, and I was such a crybaby, I never want to be 5 miles away from home or from my parents. But then voila, I lived alone separated from my family for 4 years.

Taiwan changed me. I have grown from a quiet girl to a bigger girl ready to face wilder life outside. Living alone outside your country surely makes you learn a lot of things. I learn how to communicate not only in my own language but also in 3 different languages with people.

I have learned that I have to struggle so hard in order to survive. And that struggling I have been through is the story of how I reach my dreams.

And no dreams, no single dream is impossible.

Even dreams when I wished so hard to meet my high school idols. Haha!

There are reasons why after I leave college, I still kinda miss it all the time. Sometimes I look back seeing how different my life was when I was in college. The people are different, the atmospheres are different, the customs are different.

Anyway, my intention today is not to make any comparison between my hometown Indonesia and my second home, Taiwan.  I just wonder why dreams are easy to get when I was in Taiwan?
But dreams are dreams.

No matter how poor and in what condition are you today, You got to have visions and dreams about what you want in maybe next 3 years, or next 30 years. Because that what moves you in the end. Eventhough in next 20 years, I may not become an astronaut, architect, teacher, doctor, psychologist, or even a writer,

at least I want to live when I have big dreams to follow.
And no one can tell me not to.

I am 24 years old this year, working as an ordinary employee, day by day just passed by. But inside, I’m still a 5 years old girl who dreams big, and reality won’t bring me down! And I know someday, I will reach my dreams, I will live a life I wanted to be.

And I promised to take you with me, darling if you’re brave enough to stay with me.

p.s note to my boyfriend. I love you


Sex Poem

The lights off, we hide the excitement behind our eyes.
Staring at each other half-naked.
You smoke your last cigarette before sex
And I tease you with smile and revealing parts.

The lights off, you put down your cigarette
Lying on a bed, half-naked
Revealing excitement, join me in a bed
You close your eyes, as I nibble your ears
I close my eyes while biting my lips

The beating of our hearts,
like the sound of the distance drum
Our sweat pours as our skin pressed against each other
Your lips against mine
As you gently touch my bare back

Is this heaven or is this paradise
For in a dark lies our deepest passion and lust
We move together as we dance
To the melody of the most sacred and ancient song
About human shares secret, of love and of sex

I hear your breath as you take my breath away
When you dance above me, pressing your body against mine
You kiss me on the cheek, as I hug your bare back

This is our heaven, this is our paradise
As I hear you moaning, following mine
We lie in a dark, full of sweat, out of breath
You kiss me on my neck and hug me from behind.


The Reflective World

Today, along with my family, we watched the last sequel of The Hobbit, titled 'The Battle of Five Armies'.
I feel today as the answer of my own question 3 years ago when the first sequel of The Hobbit come on screen. 'What would be the end of The Hobbit?'

When LOTR came in movie, I wasnt a big fan, instead I'm not a fan at all for I didnt watch the movie and question my own self what the hell did I do that I wasnt a part in that LOTR euphoria that time. I discovered the beauty of middle earth when I watch Narnia.

Little did I know that the author of Narnia was a bestfriend of Tolkien. Enchanted by how these two people could make such a great and complete fantasy novel, I begin to wonder more about Narnia and of course middle earth.

I remembered watching Narnia, The Lion, The Witch and The  Wardrobe. I feel like CS Lewis has stolen my idea when I was a kid. Why should he uses Wardrobe as the enter door to Narnia. That was exactly what I did when I was about 5-6 years old. I pretend to be a princess whose kingdom was beyond the wardrobe. I begin to fall in love with Narnia and all the history of it.

But then I discovered LOTR, which stories remind me of the word 'perfection' It was so beautiful and perfect to me, that I believe that not only Middle Earth is exist but also all the creatures introduced here. Elves to be exact.

I get my bachelor by writing my final project, a simple thesis about Elves in European Mythology. I was so convinced that Elves are exist, but it was such a pity I never been to Europe to prove whether Elves are were exist.

I think, the world of fantasy is my passion.

Well about the last sequel of the Hobbit I watched earlier.

I have heard two types of comments about this movie, one mentioned about how bad the pictures and probably the storyline, friend of mine said that when he saw the film, he feels like watching the Indonesian' sinetron. And one my friends tell me straight away that the movie is great.

I came in conclusion that the movie is good in its own way. The cinematography, of course, is not mine to explain. But I focus on the storyline. And although I shouldn't compare it with LOTR movies, but it in inseparable since we got the same director here. Peter Jackson.

LOTR separated in 3 movies just like the book because the story will take too long and it's not just fit in one movie. Just like the book when it first come out, Tolkien meant to put all stories in one book. But thanks he divided the story into 3 sequels. So we can see almost every detail in the story.

Hobbit, on the other hand, was put in one book. And it wasn't Harry Potter kind of book that comes in great thickness. But it's just an ordinary book.

I'm not a Tolkien nerd, nor I know much about his work. But I know that Hobbit was a children book. It was written for children. So the details were made to make children excited, the moral of the book is easily explained for kids to understand. Unlike LOTR that has so many details about war, sacrifice, love, passion, and many more.

So put The Hobbit into three films will require more creativity and stories from other Tolkien's work. I didnt say Peter Jackson didnt make it, he made it. The Hobbit still has that moral part that was meant for children, but he also puts some of the elements there.

Unfortunately, I saw the same elements from LOTR in The Hobbit movie, and I feel like Peter Jackson just make it so to meet the demand of the audience. I mean, the audience surely hope that The Hobbit will come out just as great as LOTR. Little did they know, two of the story has different things, though they were written by the same author.

Second things I failed to be happy is there are some hyperbolic scene in this movie, like it was just made to prolong the movie. And how The Great Smaug who has been depicted as great and only villain in the first movie, has to died so helplessly even before the title come out. Mommy, I want my Smaug!

But it doesnt matter really. Because the last sequel of the Hobbit still leave me breathless in some of the scene. I love the Battle of the Five Armies for how epic the war is. I'm pleased to see how everyone's included in the war, Orcs, Troll, Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Eagles. And how Legolas become the hero in this movie, and I found that he's pretty much the rider of the beast. He could ride Elephants, Bats, Trolls. Fine boy!

But for some reason, I'm waiting something to wow me more than what I just saw. 

The last sequel also gave us some explanation to what we have already seen in LOTR, about how Legolas plan to find The Strider-Aragorn, or how Saruman made allies with Sauron. So it bold the Hobbit as an introduction from LOTR.

 And what makes me happier that it brings me so much to think and reminisce about Middle Earth.

Seing every leader of the armies have the same ambition to reclaim the treasure made me think about how bad a govenment would be when they got limitless power. And how gold has succeded to drive someone crazy. The moral of the story is really well explained.

To me Middle Earth is real.And though it wasnt real to some people, we could always make this fantasy world as our reflection of life. We could actually learn from it

I think that's why I love fantasy.


Tentang Agama, Tuhan, dan Manusia

pic from google

Pernah dengar istilah 'agnostik'? Istilah agnostik dipakai untuk orang-orang yang percaya (atau tidak percaya) akan adanya suatu kekuatan besar tapi berkeyakinan bahwa hal tersebut tidak dapat dibuktikan oleh pikiran manusia. Bisa dibilang sih, agnostik bukan aliran kepercayaan tertentu. Tapi sebuah keyakinan bahwa kemampuan manusia terbatas untuk membuktikan adanya (atau tidak adanya) kekuatan besar atau Tuhan.

Lima atau empat tahun lalu, saya punya kesempatan menjelajah negara orang dan melihat dunia dari cara pandang yang berbeda. Di sana, saya mengenal beberapa orang yang sejak lahir mempunyai keyakinan berbeda atau bahkan tidak mengenal agama sekalipun. Hal itu membuat saya sadar bahwa orang-orang Indonesia lahir dan dibesarkan di lingkungan yang sarat agama. Maka tidak heran jika saat ini detik ini, mereka menganggap agama luar biasa pentingnya bagi hidup mereka.

Saya sendiripun, tidak bisa menyalahkan atau bergargumen tentang penting tidaknya agama bagi hidup manusia. Mungkin penting, mungkin tidak. Yang pasti di luar sana banyak orang yang hidup dengan berbagai pandangan. Sayangnya beberapa orang, baik agamis atau atheis yang mempunyai dua pandangan yang berlawanan begitu keras kepala dan teguh pendirian, bahkan 'memaksa' orang untuk ikut dengan apa yang dipercayai sambil menyampaikan ribuan alasan yang hanya mereka yakini.

Dulu saya pernah kecewa. Jantung yang berdetak-detak kencang di kala saya memperhatikan, membaca, atau menonton berita tentang sesama manusia yang membunuh dengan nama Tuhannya. Seakan mereka percaya akan Tuhan yang membunuh.

Lalu saya ingin menjadi atheis. Saya menolak untuk ikut dengan kepercayaan apapun yang agama berikan. Agama apapun itu. Karena saya kecewa dengan perilaku orang-orang yang mengaku beragama. Karena mereka membunuh, menyakiti, dan paling penting Sok Tahu.

Lama berselang, jiwa muda saya yang masih dapat terombang-ambing, melihat adanya salah persepsi dalam diri saya. (Bukan berarti saya bilang atheis itu salah) Nampaknya, hati kecil saya masih ingin mempercayai sesuatu kekuatan yang pernah saya kenal. Lalu saya mulai mencari keberadaan Tuhan yang mungkin ada. Pencarian beberapa lama itu, saya akhiri dengan tanda tanya yang tidak perlu dijawab. Biarlah ia mengambang seiring waktu. Biarlah ia menegaskan dirinya sendiri ketika saatnya.

Sayapun mengamini keyakinan dari hati kecil saya bahwa Tuhan bisa jadi ada atau mungkin tidak ada, dan manusia terlalu kecil untuk  dapat membuktikan atau menunjukannya kepada orang lain. Tuhan hanyalah pengalaman religius masing-masing orang yang tidak bisa begitu saja dibagi (karena setiap orang berbeda). Kepercayaan tidak bisa begitu saja diobral dan dibagi-bagi. Tapi perbuatan baik selalu bisa, dan tidak akan pernah habis.

Perdebatan tentang agama dan kepercayaan, sebenarnya tidak bisa dipisahkan dari perdebatan tentang perbedaan. Dan manusia masih terlalu muda untuk bisa menghargai perbedaan. Terlalu sombong untuk berpikir terbuka, dan terlalu memuliakan otaknya yang dipenuhi keyakinan. Sehingga terdorong untuk menghabisi yang berbeda dari dirinya.

Berbeda tidak pernah salah. Jiwa yang tidak menghargai perbedaan yang kerdillah yang perlu diajari. 

Kemarin, ketika sedang 'asyik' facebook-an, sebuah video muncul di beranda facebook saya. Video tentang 'Kristenisasi terselubung di Car Free Day'.

Saya cuma ketawa kecil melihat teman saya yang meyakinkan kalau misionaris kristen tidak pernah diajari melakukan hal seperti itu. 'Memaksa' orang untuk masuk kristen. Dan saya lebih ketawa miris lagi melihat komentar penuh kebencian di setiap video itu disebar.

Terlepas dari benar tidaknya video itu, saya menarik kesimpulan, orang-orang masih terlalu sensitif dan mudah sakit hati dengan permasalahan agama, sehingga sulit mencari kepala yang dingin untuk menelaah atau berpikir lebih dalam dari sebuah kejadian ini. Kepercayaan yang dipegang begitu kuat, ketika tersenggol, manusia langsung mengeluarkan pedang kemarahan dan mengatasnamakan Tuhan. Ah.. selalu begitu!

Kepercayaan akan suatu yang transenden sudah ada sejak dulu. Terlepas dari teori evolusi atau mungkin hanya manusia yang selalu beradaptasi di lingkungannya, manusia masih sama. Keterbatasan manusia yang hanya memiliki 6 panca indera dan adanya rasa ingin tahu yang begitu besar akan sesuatu yang lebih dari dirinya, membuat manusia menyadari kemungkinan adanya kekuatan besar yang mengatur semua ini.

Semua kemungkinan itu lalu diyakini dengan adanya berbagai bukti pelengkap.

Dari sebelum adanya agama, manusia sudah percaya akan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari mereka. Meski namanya berbeda, agama dan kepercayaan mempunyai satu arti.

Lalu muncullah sifat manusia yang keras kepala. Berbagi dengan cara memaksa.

Kembali ke video tadi. Bukan tidak mungkin kristenisasi itu terjadi. Sebagai seorang penggemar mitologi, saya sempat menilik ke sejarah mitologi yang menjadi buruk namanya ketika adanya kristenisasi di Eropa. Kepercayaan pagan itu baik, kepercayaan kristen itu baik. Lalu muncul kebencian dan keburukan ketika adanya pemaksaan kepercayaan.

(Itulah makanya saya dulu menolak agama.. Orang-orangnya itu lho, terlalu fanatik, terlalu sok tahu, tidak bisa berpikir terbuka. Kepercayaan sendiri ko jadi harga mati buat orang lain. Saya sih ga suka, kepercayaan saya jadi harga mati buat orang lain.)

Semua pemaksaan kepercayaan baik kristenisasi atau islamisasi atau apapun lah, terjadi di mana saja dan kapan saja. Video yang beredar tersebut mungkin juga satu bentuk kristenisasi, (tulisan saya tidak dalam ranah pembuktian yang pasti). Tapi hal itu sama salahnya dengan segala bentuk pemaksaan kepercayaan dan agama. Agama apapun.

Yang bikin saya miris dengan hati tersayat-sayat adalah, munculnya kebencian yang salah tempat.

Yang satu bilang hati-hati kristen begini begitu. Yang satu bilang kristen tidak begini begitu.

Tidak ada yang salah dari mengenal suatu kepercayaan. Mengenal suatu kepercayaan bukan berarti menjadi percaya dengan apa yang kita pelajari. Selama ini kita mempelajari dunia binatang, kita tidak pernah menjadi binatang. Mungkin hanya orang-orang yang berpikiran sempit dan berhati kecil yang bisa merasa begitu takut.

Manusia terlalu bodoh untuk berpikiran terbuka, apalagi kalau kepercayaan dan agama sudah jadi harga mati buat dirinya dan orang lain.
(Itulah makanya saya dulu menolak agama.. Orang-orangnya itu lho, terlalu fanatik, terlalu sok tahu, tidak bisa berpikir terbuka. Kepercayaan sendiri ko jadi harga mati buat orang lain. Saya sih ga suka, kepercayaan saya jadi harga mati buat orang lain.)

Folks. Kepercayaan itu pengalaman religius yang pribadi. Tidak dapat dibagi dan dipaksakan. Hanya kebaikan yang dapat dibagi dan tidak pernah habis. Dan kebencian, yang juga bisa dibagi, tapi sifatnya menghabisi manusia.


Our Society

Ferris Wheel- Alun-alun di Malang

We live in the world where society keeps reminding us the system, the norms, what's proper and what's improper. And they leave no space for compromises and they give no mercy for those who walk beyond their system, or against their norms.

And again we are somehow dictated by tradition, cultures, and our religion. Well I think those things I said earlier are essential for our life, and what's essential should not be made to make things harder for us to live.


I live in a place where victim blaming is what everyone agree. The victim of one rape case for example often being seen as the one who was guilty for being too seductive. Girls in my country are told not to wear sexy clothes, but what the hell is the definition of sexy anyway? We cant show our cleveage, we cant wear shorts, we cant wear skirt in a public places. And tell me what is the reason. Girls you better put some clothes or else they'll rape you, and you fuckin deserve it.

Who deserves getting raped? Wearing clothes that is comfortable is not a sin.

While it seems that I made excuses for me wearing short pants or skirt, well it is not. I have no problem wearing trousers or more casual and not too revealing my parts of body kind of clothes. But the reason should not be 'put on some clothes or else you get raped'

Because rapist rape anyone that moves. Children, teenage, adults, old people, boys, girls, all has the same chance to get raped. Why? Because rape is what a rapist do. Even people someday consider to stop producing 'improper clothes' rape case will still exist. Trust me
Things that we should do is to educate more people not to rape. Educate our children to behave well, by well means to respect other people and not to hurt them.

So please stop victim blaming. Even a whores don't deserve getting raped!


I am an night owl. I love staying up all night alone or with somebody to talk to. My boyfriend and I love to talk. We bought one or two cups of coffee, and that last for a night. We just talk, nothing else. But then, I have to come late to the room I rent, where I live.
Sadly, these people around my neighborhood loves to justified what is wrong and what is right. They love bad mouthing people like me. 'That girl who comes late with her boyfriend. This girl is probably not a good girl'

I 'love' the idea that good girl only exist when the daylight, and bad girls are exist when the night come. You know what, I really wished to open that tiny brain these people have and shove it some more logical perspective so they could see that all this time, their life is so undesirable.
Since I was a kid, Night Owl has been labeled so wrong that no one could ever make the right out of it.

Plus, bad people who make use of a less light from the sun to do evil things is just as bad as these people who love bad mouthing.
Oh god, why people could be so evil?


We have come to the very taboo topic going on these days. Especially in Asia, where virginity is the only sign of good girls (or boys). Especially girls.
I've made some research sometime before about why virginity had some special definition and is so important.

When we talk about virginity for girls, we like to talk about hymen. What is hymen? Hymen is that soft membranes that covers girl's vagina. The damage of hymen that in some cases causes vaginal bleeding is believed to be the sign when a girl losing her virginity.

Girls are told that virginity is important that those bleeding vagina because of the damaged hymen happened after penetration (with penis) should happened only when they're married.

Society believes good girls should not have sex before marriage. They should not lose virginity.
Why hymen? Traced back to a greek mythology that timezone. There was once a god named Hymen. This God should be present in every marriage. It is a sign that his presence brings good thing to that marriage.
When we translate it to modern world, we will notice that 'hymen that should be present' means girls should not break their hymen before marriage.

This ancient belief is now mistranslated.
To me virginity is a losing of innocence. Which is very common and will happen to every human being in this
world. After we were born, day by day we will know more things and will lose our innocence.

Having sex before marriage is nothing wrong to me. Because marriage nowadays is different as love. You may love someone but it doesnt mean you can marry him or her. But those who get married doesnt always mean they love each other.

But you should have sex with your loved ones. The most important is not when you will lose your virginity. But whether you are ready or not to have sex. You have to know about it before you have sex. You have to do it safely and nicely and with one you loved.

Why? Because sex is not a celebration or marriage but a celebration of love.
I have also do some research about the differences between making love and have sex. While both have things in common, but the difference is one you do with lust(no love) and one with love.

Well we all have lust.

But in some websites stated that when you make love with one you love, your body produce some chemical stuff that are healthy and important to you. While have sex (with only one person is in consent) mighy be hurt to the other person.

Well, what I'm saying is, making love is more fun healthier and happier with one you love. Because deep inside people are feel lonely, and love is one of the essentials things people need. Without being so idealist. I think each of us deserve some loves.

We are so concern about tradition, cultures, and religion, about proper and improper things, about norms, that we forgot how to treat other people and not being rude.

We are all just human, giving up ourselves to the system without evaluating it is not what a human do.
We made mistake of course. But we are also a human that should make compromises and leave some space to other people.

We share the some world, what makes someone have the right to rule over other people's life?


pic from google 

Why things that hurt so bad could be unforgettable?And why should anyone get through traumatic experience at least once in their life?

Two days ago, someone broke into my room and they, though I'm not really sure how many are them who involved in this crime, stole my stuff. I usually went back to my room with my friend who live in the same building with me, or with my boyfriend to put things down or get something then go out for dinner. But that time, I went back alone. My friends have come back home earlier than me, and one of my friend didn't go to work that day. And my boyfriend had something to do. 

I stay at the work office until 8 p.m., then I bought me some food and stuff from the store. I walked slowly to my room and try to unlock the door, when I noticed something wrong must have happened. I opened the door and find out that my wardrobe was left opened. Until now, this image I have seen printed in my mind. Just like a camera, my mind could really captured the image of how I noticed that someone has come to this room without permission. Someone has broke into my room and making a fucking mess.

I feel devastated and depressed and then rushed to my friend's room, knocking. In a terrible voice within terrible breath, I spoke out my word, 'somebody has stolen my laptop'

My friend and I rushed to my room to find the exact image I have seen before. My wardrobe was opened, my laptop was gone, and everything was in a mess. I suddenly can't breath and sat down crying. That was the loudest cry I ever made. I was terrified knowing how someone has earlier some people were in this room checking on my stuff and take it all.

Up until now, these image and thought has never leave me alone. Why would things that hurt so bad can't be forgotten? And why would we born, grew, and raised to be hurt by several traumatic events? Why should we live in fears?

I imagined that people in this world has never once live in peace. They went to a store bringing money, they're in fear meeting stranger who probably will steal their money. They watch TV at dawn, going to sleep at night, they're afraid people will come and murder them in the dark. Girls are afraid to walk alone at night, despite the clothes they wear, they will get raped anyway. 

Sadly, there always be bad people who will fuck with all of us. Sadly, there are people who aren't afraid of doing bad things. They're not afraid of breaking people's heart. They will steal, rape, murder, hurt other people, and they don't care.

I was somehow surprised by my own thought that soon we were born, we will live in fear.. Fear of getting hurt, fear of dying. And there would be people who will do anything to hurt us, just because the want to. And that's life.

Now sit down and remember how many times in your life you have gone through traumatic events that even you know, you have lived well until today, that image that brings pain to your heart will be there. 

Two days have passed. My mind is still in hurricane of many negative thought. I still live in fear. My only prayer to God is I wish I could find some peace today. 


Distraksi Masa Lalu dan Melankoli

pic from google

Ia menempelkan kartu yang dikalungkan di lehernya ke sebuah kotak mesin yang mencatat kepulangannya, lalu bergegas keluar pintu yang sering dilewatinya selama satu tahun belakangan. Matahari sudah lama tenggelam di antara gedung-gedung kota sehingga ia tak bisa lagi memperhatikan sinarnya yang dulu perlahan menghilang di antara daun-daun rimbun ketika ia masih kecil.

Ia dulu berlarian ke rumahnya, bersembunyi di balik kaki ibunya yang sedang menutup pintu. Ia menghabiskan sisa sore itu di bak mandi dengan bebek mainan serta senyuman ibunya yang sedang membersihkan badannya. Merasakan hangatnya handuk yang dililitkan ke badannya, ia meminum susu panas yang dibuatkan ibunya. Sambil mendengarkan lantunan lagu dari salah satu stasiun radio, ia tertidur. Sebuah masa di mana ia memiliki waktu yang lama untuk bermimpi.

Ia berjalan menyusuri lorong kecil yang menghubungkan kantornya dengan halte dimana ia biasa menunggu bis yang menghantarkannya pulang ke sebuah apartemen miliknya. Berdesakan dengan penumpang lain, ia berhasil mencangklongkan headset ke telinganya, perlahan mengalun sebuah lagu dari masa mudanya; ketika ia berarak dan berbaris menuntut keadilan, ketika rentetan topik menarik keluar dari mulutnya yang sesekali mengisap rokok, dan ketika ia menghabiskan malam minggu dengan beer dan minggu pagi dengan secangkir kopi.

Lalu ia membaca tumpukan buku tua yang dijual murah di kios dekat rumanya. Sampai matahari sore kembali muncul di jendelanya. Ia bergegas ke luar rumah, berjalan di taman sambil menunggu tenggelamnya matahari di antara pepohonan. Menyapa anak kecil yang bersepeda, ia lalu tersenyum kepada burung-burung yang kembali ke sarangnya.

Bis kota yang dinaikinya mulai sepi. Penumpang terakhir sebelumnya menggendong anak kecil yang tertidur kelelahan. Ia memencet bel bis kota dan segera turun di halte berikutnya.

Ia berjalan ke apartemennya. Lagu masih mengalun di telinganya, lagu yang ia dengar dulu di radio sebelum telepon genggamnya berdering mengabarkan ibunya yang sudah meninggal. Ia menangis semalaman tanpa teman. Tidak ada susu, tidak ada beer, tidak ada kopi yang menemaninya. Hanya suara radio yang perlahan sepi. Tiga hari kemudian ia menghadiri kelulusannya sendirian.

Ia membuka pintu apartemennya, mengambil tumpukan obat lalu menuang secangkir air putih. Ia meminum habis air putihnya sambil duduk di depan tivi. Suara tivi menghantarnya memasuki mimpi. Mimpi yang tak pernah ia miliki lagi sejak dulu. 


Pikiran Kritis Menggelitik

Akhir-akhir ini tersadar kalau frekuensi menulis saya berkurang drastis jika dibandingan satu tahun lalu di mana waktu luang terlihat sangat membangkitkan selera menulis. Sekarang, sepulang kerja nampaknya saya terlalu letih jika masih harus berpikir ini itu demi menuangkannya ke sebuah tulisan. Rasanya waktu luang itu lebih asyik dihabiskan untuk bersantai mengobrol atau mengistirahatkan tubuh dan pikiran di atas kasur.

Pertanyaannya adalah, kemana perginya pikiran kritis menggelitik yang dulu bersliweran di otak saya? Atau sebenarnya pikiran itu masih tersimpan di sana, menumpuk, lalu terlupakan? Mungkin kebanyakan dari kita sebenarnya terkurung di rutinitas membosankan yang membuat kita mengamini yang sudah ada tanpa mau memperhatikan pikiran kritis menggelitik namun menarik.

Saya rindu menantang tatanan yang sudah rapi dan mencari kebenaran yang nampaknya tidak cuma satu di dunia ini. Seperti pertanyaan menggelitik teman saya ketika makan tadi. 'Itu yang tadi lu share, maksudnya gimana? Emang di sana begitu ya?'

Postingan ini dibuat oleh seorang pengguna facebook bernama Setio Nugroho. 

Pertanyaan itu membawa saya ke kurang lebih satu tahun yang lalu ketika masih numpang hidup di negara orang. Euforia terhadap IKEA yang baru hadir beberapa waktu lalu, sama seperti yang saya rasakan ketika pertama kali diajak ke IKEA, sebuah toko furniture yang didesain unik dan dilengkapi dengan restoran. Hmm, sesuai ukuran kantong mahasiswa, saya datang ke sana hanya untuk mengagumi desain ruangan dan mencicipi sosis IKEA yang luar biasa enaknya. 

Restoran kecil itu dilengkapi dengan 4-5 meja tinggi tanpa kursi. Jadi sehabis kami memesan makanan dan minuman, kami berdiri melingkar di pinggir meja. Setelah selesai makan, sambil melirik-lirik ke kebiasaan orang sana, kami mengumpulkan sampah kami dan membuangnya ke tempat sampah. Meninggalkan meja dengan bersih sehingga dapat dipakai oleh orang setelahnya.

Kebiasaan tersebut nampaknya menunjukan pribadi yang mandiri. Kita datang ke sebuah restoran bukan semata-mata untuk dilayani oleh tukang bersih-bersih atau waitress. Sebuah restoran yang dikunjungi orang-orang lain menunjukan perlunya rasa tanggung jawab dan kemandirian dari pengunjungnya. Mungkin seru juga kalau kita terbiasa untuk memilah dan membuang sendiri sampah dan sisa makanan yang tertinggal di meja. Lagipula, sebuah tempat makan bukannya lebih baik kalau terlihat bersih? 

Saya seratus persen setuju dengan perlunya 'revolusi mental', kosakata yang ramai dipelajari mulut-mulut penduduk Indonesia. Dimulai dengan masalah yang tidak jauh dari kita yaitu sampah. Postingan di atas terlihat sangat benar jika dilihat dari kebiasaan kecil orang Indonesia yang mungkin butuh perubahan.

Tapi uniknya postingan tersebut menuliskan statement yang agaknya menyedihkan, 'Mereknya sih IKEA, kelakuan kita masih Indonesia.' Jika perlu diambil makna tersirat dari kalimat tersebut mungkin, 'mereknya dari luar negeri, kelakuannya masih kampungan' ya kah?

Agak miris mendengar kalimat yang juga sering diucapkan orang kebanyakan, 'Inilah Indonesia.' 'Namanya juga orang Indo.' Begitu senangnya kita membicarakan negara kita dan menyiratkan makna 'kampungan' di setiap ucapannya. hmm.

Kenapa kita agaknya sering mengagung-agungkan negara luar dan merendahkan negara kita? Sesuatu yang begitu indah dan modern bukan perkara milik negara luar. Tapi perkara karakter dan kepribadian yang melewati garis negara dan bangsa. 

Mungkin ini yang disebut perlunya 'revolusi mental' (tanpa sedikitpun ada keinginan mencolek Bapak Presiden Jokowi) sehingga Indonesia tidak perlu lagi memiliki makna 'kampungan' lagi. Tidak perlu memandang rendah bangsanya sendiri, dan yaah, menjadi lebih baik lagi.

Mungkin juga, pikiran kritis menggelitik ini perlu dimasukkan ke 'revolusi mental' supaya kita tidak terus-terusan mengamini rutinitas membosankan dan bergerak dalam kehidupan yang stagnan. ironis.


Sebuah Pembelajaran

Ada sebuah janji manis berjalan bagai bayangan rapuh di antara dua insan yang mengaku dirundung cinta.
Sebuah janji yang sewaktu-waktu hilang ketika matahari mengkhianati hari.
Seperti tangan yang tak mau lagi berpegangan, apalagi kalau bukan karena mengkhianati janji.
Lalu ribuan cerita cinta yang terbingkai manis di hati keduanya terbuang menjadi percuma

Kita hanyalah jiwa-jiwa dan insan kesepian yang hidup dalam pencarian.
Dibuai dunia yang semu, menjadi bodoh lalu menyalahkan cinta.
Tapi bukannya kita memang manusia sok tahu
Yang berusaha mendefinisikan cinta dan berharap kita tahu segalanya.

Padahal kita tidak pernah benar-benar mengerti artinya.


Finding your other self

Love comes when it meant to. Sometimes you don't realize when it'll come to you. It just came and next thing you know, you have learned a whole new thing about love itself.

Like that guy who came into my life almost 6 months ago. I never dreamed of him, never have I also thought we will end up together, madly in love with each other. He was that guy I find attractive when he cut his hair at the beginning of this year. He was the same guy who leave a 'Merry Christmas' message on my facebook. He was the guy who came and choose to stay.

Unlike the other guy I fell in love with before him. Those guys, leave the same stories about pain and loneliness at the end. From this guy I learned how to share stories, problem, tears, and happiness. I learn at the same time to be dependent and independent. I learned that love isn't all about poem and stories.

I still remember his face when he confess to me that night. And I wished that he could remember the surprised and happy faces on me. That maybe was the first time I feel loved, especially by the guy I love. We shared stories and similarities. That thousand messages we sent on both mobile phone and facebook messenger was the witness of how we shared lots of things. 

We love staying up all night. It was before out of my knowledge that he sometimes still checking on me wondering if I was still online or not. Writing blog I said, waiting in sadness for prince on a white horse to come.  

We also love coffee. I remember ordered a cup of coffee that sadly has been cancelled due to my condition that time. He almost wrote another cup of coffee. Little he knew, I checking on his face. The same face when he knew we both came from the same place, Yogyakarta.

We like to sing, and hoping for a 'lifetime partner' who can sing. I like music, I know lots of music. And he teaches music. His knowledge of music turned me on. 

Funny thing is, we hate spicy food, and we dont eat veggies.

Within a world filled with billions of people, I'm glad that I found this guy. The guy I call my other self.

It's like when you saw him, you see yourself, part that you hate about yourself, part that you love about yourself. He just that right guy.

Days, weeks, months have passed. that love between us have grown through obstacles. We hate and love each other so much, we just wanna be together. Our relationship is nothing like cars on a highway. We were those old but gold car on our way to a beach of happiness. Of course we sometimes fight. I've seen that angry faces on him, that sadness, that disappointment, but also that face of happiness, loving, and caring. Being on a relationship with the guy you think he is your other self is like seeing each other naked.

You know so much about him, you just wanna keep him. He just filled that void inside your heart.

And as I said this, I'm fully aware that it's been only 6 months we have known each other. I dont know if it was fair to say that he was the right guy. But that first thing I mention at the beginning of our relationship was.. 'I want to work this thing out with you. I aint find a guy who only attracted to me. I want a guy who is willing to work hard with me and fight for us.' And I would never stop trying unless I have lost that loving and caring face on him again.

As long as our love is still exist. I know nothing would bother. 

Sayang.. tonight after you say goodbye. I wish to keep that last smile I saw on you, and bring it to my sleep. Until I find you again. May god bless and keep you safe. :)